Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Good Day and Good Night!

Just finished watching "Lost" - I love that show, and Jolie and Marty are TOTALLY addicted now too. I have my friend Debbie, from Houghton College days, to thank for getting me hooked first on Alias and now Lost.

I got to sleep in again today, which was nice, since I stayed up too late watching the movie last night. I talked to my mom, my best friend and her husband and daughter, and my younger brother, Kevin - I guess it was my day to catch up with everyone! Went to the library and gym and got snacks for Bible study tomorrow - any excuse to buy Safeway's delicious frosted sugar cookies - and luckily for me, they're not chocolate. Had all three kids tonight while Jolie and Marty were at school, but they were all mellow and fell asleep early (by which I mean 9:00 pm). It was a pretty quiet day, but a good one. I must get to bed now, because I do have to get up early to get myself ready for Bible study tomorrow morning; I catch a ride with Jolie when she drops the girls off at school.

Here's a quote to end the day:

Time is a created thing. To say 'I don't have time' is to say 'I don't want to.'"

- Lao Tzu

Why Am I Up At 1:34 AM?

Because I just finished watching "The Departed" with Marty (Jolie fell asleep about half-way through). It was a good movie, but Best Picture? I don't know. Guess I'll have to watch the other nominated movies to decide for myself. And was Martin Scorcese really the Best Director this year, or was he just awarded for all the times he should have been but wasn't?

You know, I used to be a morning person. I remember when I worked at Circle Square Ranch, I was up at 5:00 AM, and able to go through until 10:00 or 11:00 PM. Those sunrises were amazing. I miss that, but I just can't do it anymore! Tuesdays and Wednesdays are Marty's days to help Jolie get the kids ready for school so I can sleep in (since I usually get up with the kids Saturday morning so they can sleep in, and Sunday morning, I get myself and Layni ready for church). Even with the sun shining this morning, it was hard to get up. Am I just lazy, overtired, or what? Thank God for hot showers! Once I have my hot shower, I'm good to go. I guess it's my equivalent to most people's coffee.

Today I wrote some letters, did laundry (it never ends!), went to the gym, played Scrabble on the computer with Jolie (and won, not that I'm bragging, hee hee!), brainstormed with Jolie for names for her jewelery line (which included looking up words in Greek; she was very impressed I could actually read it), finished another Junie B. Jones book with Layni, and now I'm ready for bed. And you bet, I'm taking advantage of being able to sleep in tomorrow morning. I'm not as young as I used to be, haha!, and staying up until 2:00 AM, even for a good movie, kills me! I don't blame Jolie for opting for her cozy bed instead.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Monday Night

Did you ever wake up, ready to go back to bed? That's how I felt yesterday morning. Nonetheless, I managed to get up, get myself, Layni and Mattias ready, and get to church on time. Mattias was pretty good, except for singing about poo, his latest obsession. What do you want to eat for breakfast? POO! What do you want to do now? POO on you! Well, at least he cracks himself up. He was very happy to head up to the nursery to play during Kidzone, although Layni was disappointed he couldn't be in her class. They have the most amazing love/hate relationship, which drives the rest of us crazy most of the time. Afterwards, we went to my favourite restaurant for lunch...McDonalds... and the kids burned off some energy in the play area. When we got home, I was so tired and achy; I headed to bed for a (I thought, anyway) well-deserved nap. During supper (steak and fries - God bless Jolie and Marty!) and while getting the kids ready for bed, we watched the Oscars. Things are so much more entertaining when you're watching them with other people, because often the other people are more entertaining than what you're watching! Jolie cracked me up with some of her reactions. Mostly, it just really made me want to watch movies! I remember when I lived by a toonie theatre (when they still had toonie theatres), I got to watch all the latest films. The only Oscar-nominated movies I've seen were Pirates of the Caribbean, The Devil Wears Prada, The Illusionist, Borat, Superman Returns, Cars and The Pursuit of Happyness - which were mostly nominated for things like makeup, visual effects etc. I really want to see Babel, The Queen, Little Miss Sunshine, Dreamgirls and An Inconvenient Truth, among others. I love stories, whether it's in book, movie or theatre form.

Today, we were unexpectedly hit with a storm where snowflakes were the size of golfballs, at least! The van got stuck when Jolie was driving the girls to school, so Marty had to go rescue everyone. Lysa was very grouchy today; I think she was really looking forward to seeing her friends and getting back into her school routine after a week off. And Layni and Mattias were at each other's throats all day. Why is it that children have endless reserves of energy and us adults barely made it through the day? Are we the only ones who occasionally consider sedating the children? We haven't; but oh, it's tempting some days! And Jolie is going through the hassle of reapplying for child care subsidy. For example, every year she has to submit proof that Lysa is still handicapped... it really pisses her off. Like it's not hard enough already. Anyway....
I had a lovely evening. Marty took care of all three kids while I went to a cake-decorating class at our church. My dear, gifted friend, Krista, was our instructor for the evening and successfully taught even me how to make a fondant rose. Otherwise, my cupcake was colourfully and enthusiastically decorated. I'm sure Layni will be very impressed! (She told me I didn't need to learn because I already knew how to decorate cakes. I love how six-year-olds are so impressed by Smarties and sprinkles!) I had a great time getting to hang out and laugh with friends (and not having to put kids to bed!) The funniest thing was while Krista was talking, I was staring at the demonstration cupcake, thinking how good that chocolate would taste with frosting and how I couldn't wait to dig in, when it hit me... it's chocolate! I can't eat it, because I gave up chocolate for Lent! What was I thinking? Oh yeah, Jesus died on a cross for me, so maybe I can manage 47 days without chocolate for Him. It just demonstrates the vast difference between Him and me, and our capacity for love and sacrifice. Sorry, Jesus - thanks for loving me anyway!

Sunday, February 25, 2007

February Is Almost Over!

Time is flying by so fast... March is almost here! I got to sleep in until 10:00 this morning - it's great when the kids sleep in too :) I went to the gym today and did 55 minutes of cardio, 100 sit-ups and upper body weights. How funny that I go to a gym. God's sense of humour is infinite! I also got to talk to Alisha (which considering that she's my best friend, happens too rarely) and we played a couple games of backgammon on the computer (she totally beat me, as usual). The kids are sleeping and I'm watching Dwight from The Office host SNL - I love The Office... every character on that show is played to perfection. Well, it's been a good day and now I'm ready to say good night and head to bed... that alarm clock seems to ring so early for church - is it just me, or do mornings come earlier than they used to? Must be that time speeding up again!

Friday, February 23, 2007

It's 11:30 and I'm Ready For Bed!

Today was a good day. Lysa and I slept in - we have ridiculously cozy sheets. I vacuumed the downstairs and tidied my room, then watched a movie about Mother Theresa that I got from the church library. Very inspiring. I love her simplicity - "Jesus loves small things best - especially when done with great love." And a smile is the first gift of love we give to God and to each other. She saw the face of her Lord in every suffering person she encountered. She only and always did just what was before her... And when bad things happened, like the newspapers and people slandering what she was trying to do, which was simply to live among and care for the poorest of the poor in Calcutta, God turned it around for great good - using that publicity to encourage people to send funds to help her work. She didn't try to convert people but many learned about faith, hope and love through her example. Her teaching and preaching was with her life rather than words. She was an example of how one person can make an amazing difference in the world, especially if he or she is completely committed to Jesus and lets Him work through him or her. I would love to read a biography of her life.

Layni, Jolie and Marty got home at supper-time. It's good to have them back. They had lots of fun with Jolie's mom, step-dad, sister, nephew, aunts, uncles and cousins in Edmonton. They went cross country skiiing, sledding and ice fishing, among other things, and had a fabulous time. Mattias joins us tomorrow afternoon, and so the house will go from quiet and almost-empty to full and NOISY! I think I'll survive though, haha!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

It's 11:51 and I've Stopped Crying

I drive myself crazy. I guess I still feel like it's my own weakness and sinfulness that causes my depression, that I don't "deserve" to be depressed, and that if I was just a better person, I wouldn't struggle like this. It's such a vicious circle - I beat myself up because I'm depressed so I get more depressed and beat myself up more...

I had this whole week free. From Sunday morning to Friday afternoon with only Lysa home, and she was gone visiting her grandparents for two days. I always feel like I don't have enough time to do the things I want to do, and here I had a whole week to myself. I had these great ideas of what I was going to do...

- clean and organize my room so I wouldn't feel depressed by the chaos every time I walked through the door

- work on my correspondence course and finish at least one exam

- catch up with all my friends and family

- watch the movies I got from the church library

- make cards and send birthday cards etc.

- clean out my email inbox and all of the papers on my desk

- invite friends over to hang out

- read for fun

- enjoy the peace and quiet

And I wasted the whole week. I felt paralyzed - unable to do things I "should" do and punishing myself by not doing the things I wanted to do, and hating myself for not doing anything. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just invite someone over for coffee? (For them; juice or Coke for me) Why do I feel like I don't deserve to have friends, people to hang out with, people to love me? Why do I feel like an imposition? It's been twenty years since I started to struggle with this - am I ever going to get past this? Why do I punish myself? Why do I hate myself?

I don't feel this way all the time. But when I do feel this way, it feels like I've always felt this way and always will. That's the trick of depression.

So let's look at this week's accomplishments:

- I washed all the bedding and changed my sheets from the navy blue to the pink to cheer myself up

- I cleaned all the bathrooms and vacuumed upstairs so the house feels fresh

- I made butterscotch chip cookies - yum!

- I read and laughed and kicked and napped with Lysa

- Lysa and I went for walks, got a new Junie B. Jones book at the library, and laughed at the ducks at Garbage Lake

- I talked to my mom and dad, and Sharon and Alisha

- I started Dee Henderson's latest book and went to the gym twice

- I fed the birds and squirrels

- I watched some good movies: "Crash" "Tsotsi" "The Bourne Supremacy" "Life or Something Like It"

- I enjoyed "Heroes" "Gilmore Girls" "Lost" "The Office" and discovered "House" - like I need another TV addiction

- I'm reading the book of Acts and started a Lenten devotional book

- I'm also reading "Drums of Autumn" in the Diana Gabaldon Highlander series

- I prayed for the people in my neighbourhood (in my neighbourhood, in my neighbourhood...)

- I started a new blog :)

- I gave myself a break tonight

Jesus, help me. One of my mantras - I am weak, but You are strong. Forgive me for the things I need to be forgiven for, and help me to forgive myself. Help me find my way through this. Please hang onto me, especially those times when I'm pushing You away. Help me to finish the race. Help me to live so that You're not ashamed of me. Thank You for Your grace which You pour out all over me so generously and lovingly. Help me to open my arms and take it all in. Help me to give it away freely too. Help me learn to love You as You deserve to be loved. Help me learn to love myself. Thank You Jesus for being You and for being in my life.

It's 11:17 and I'm Crying

What's wrong with me? I am so blessed. I have a job that I enjoy, I'm able to pay my bills, I'm healthy, and compared to most of the world, I'm wealthy. I know Jesus. I have wonderful friends, family and a church. So why do I feel this way? Why do I beat myself up so much? Why do I feel like I don't deserve anything good? Why can't I be more spiritual, more focused, more prayerful, more grateful, an overall better person? Why can't I just focus on Jesus and be okay? Not struggle so much? Why do I ask so many questions? What is wrong with me?