Thursday, February 22, 2007

It's 11:51 and I've Stopped Crying

I drive myself crazy. I guess I still feel like it's my own weakness and sinfulness that causes my depression, that I don't "deserve" to be depressed, and that if I was just a better person, I wouldn't struggle like this. It's such a vicious circle - I beat myself up because I'm depressed so I get more depressed and beat myself up more...

I had this whole week free. From Sunday morning to Friday afternoon with only Lysa home, and she was gone visiting her grandparents for two days. I always feel like I don't have enough time to do the things I want to do, and here I had a whole week to myself. I had these great ideas of what I was going to do...

- clean and organize my room so I wouldn't feel depressed by the chaos every time I walked through the door

- work on my correspondence course and finish at least one exam

- catch up with all my friends and family

- watch the movies I got from the church library

- make cards and send birthday cards etc.

- clean out my email inbox and all of the papers on my desk

- invite friends over to hang out

- read for fun

- enjoy the peace and quiet

And I wasted the whole week. I felt paralyzed - unable to do things I "should" do and punishing myself by not doing the things I wanted to do, and hating myself for not doing anything. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just invite someone over for coffee? (For them; juice or Coke for me) Why do I feel like I don't deserve to have friends, people to hang out with, people to love me? Why do I feel like an imposition? It's been twenty years since I started to struggle with this - am I ever going to get past this? Why do I punish myself? Why do I hate myself?

I don't feel this way all the time. But when I do feel this way, it feels like I've always felt this way and always will. That's the trick of depression.

So let's look at this week's accomplishments:

- I washed all the bedding and changed my sheets from the navy blue to the pink to cheer myself up

- I cleaned all the bathrooms and vacuumed upstairs so the house feels fresh

- I made butterscotch chip cookies - yum!

- I read and laughed and kicked and napped with Lysa

- Lysa and I went for walks, got a new Junie B. Jones book at the library, and laughed at the ducks at Garbage Lake

- I talked to my mom and dad, and Sharon and Alisha

- I started Dee Henderson's latest book and went to the gym twice

- I fed the birds and squirrels

- I watched some good movies: "Crash" "Tsotsi" "The Bourne Supremacy" "Life or Something Like It"

- I enjoyed "Heroes" "Gilmore Girls" "Lost" "The Office" and discovered "House" - like I need another TV addiction

- I'm reading the book of Acts and started a Lenten devotional book

- I'm also reading "Drums of Autumn" in the Diana Gabaldon Highlander series

- I prayed for the people in my neighbourhood (in my neighbourhood, in my neighbourhood...)

- I started a new blog :)

- I gave myself a break tonight

Jesus, help me. One of my mantras - I am weak, but You are strong. Forgive me for the things I need to be forgiven for, and help me to forgive myself. Help me find my way through this. Please hang onto me, especially those times when I'm pushing You away. Help me to finish the race. Help me to live so that You're not ashamed of me. Thank You for Your grace which You pour out all over me so generously and lovingly. Help me to open my arms and take it all in. Help me to give it away freely too. Help me learn to love You as You deserve to be loved. Help me learn to love myself. Thank You Jesus for being You and for being in my life.

1 comment:

Fierce Girl said...

Janis, I think you got TONS accomplished during your week off. It's funny (in an obnoxious kind of way) how we're all our own worst critic. You're always so uplifting and encouraging to me, Janis, and I take for granted that you are always happy and centered, which is preposterous because we're ALL muddling through this beautiful mess we call life - trying to make sense of it. You are NEVER alone. I'm right there with you, struggling, questioning, having epiphanies, crying, laughing, pondering, learning, loving, living. And so are a lot of other people. Wonderful people who care about YOU deeply. I've been going through a lot of struggles myself, lately. I can't really define them in one word or even a sentence. I just have a lot of stuff to work out in my mind and life. Living can be really difficult sometimes. Living like Christ can seem impossible, but He came to give us life and life to the full and that gives me hope and peace because I know there's a method to the madness. There is hope and there is beauty and there is a plan. We should never feel guilty for trying to live life to the full - even when we fall short. Every day is not going to be a profound existence where we save the world. Each day has different opportunities for us - some more profound than others. Some days it's laundry and cleaning other days it's spending time w/ a friend. And there's always our jobs - a gal's gotta eat! ;) We need to allow ourselves the space and time we need to progress. I'm learning to stop beating up myself for all the things I haven't done and instead to be proud of those I HAVE done. I'm learning to set realistic goals for myself and the funny thing is, I actually accomplish more that way. There's a lot of monotony and frustration in life, but then I get little glimpses of the Divine and it gives me strength to continue.
I'm reading "Walking On Water: Reflections On Faith & Art" by Madeleine L'Engle. On the second page of the book she says, "I've long since stopped feeling guilty about taking BEing time; it's something we all need for our spiritual health, and often we don't take enough of it."
I love you, Janis. You're NEVER an imposition.