I drive myself crazy. I guess I still feel like it's my own weakness and sinfulness that causes my depression, that I don't "deserve" to be depressed, and that if I was just a better person, I wouldn't struggle like this. It's such a vicious circle - I beat myself up because I'm depressed so I get more depressed and beat myself up more...
I had this whole week free. From Sunday morning to Friday afternoon with only Lysa home, and she was gone visiting her grandparents for two days. I always feel like I don't have enough time to do the things I want to do, and here I had a whole week to myself. I had these great ideas of what I was going to do...
- clean and organize my room so I wouldn't feel depressed by the chaos every time I walked through the door
- work on my correspondence course and finish at least one exam
- catch up with all my friends and family
- watch the movies I got from the church library
- make cards and send birthday cards etc.
- clean out my email inbox and all of the papers on my desk
- invite friends over to hang out
- read for fun
- enjoy the peace and quiet
And I wasted the whole week. I felt paralyzed - unable to do things I "should" do and punishing myself by not doing the things I wanted to do, and hating myself for not doing anything. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just invite someone over for coffee? (For them; juice or Coke for me) Why do I feel like I don't deserve to have friends, people to hang out with, people to love me? Why do I feel like an imposition? It's been twenty years since I started to struggle with this - am I ever going to get past this? Why do I punish myself? Why do I hate myself?
I don't feel this way all the time. But when I do feel this way, it feels like I've always felt this way and always will. That's the trick of depression.
So let's look at this week's accomplishments:
- I washed all the bedding and changed my sheets from the navy blue to the pink to cheer myself up
- I cleaned all the bathrooms and vacuumed upstairs so the house feels fresh
- I made butterscotch chip cookies - yum!
- I read and laughed and kicked and napped with Lysa
- Lysa and I went for walks, got a new Junie B. Jones book at the library, and laughed at the ducks at Garbage Lake
- I talked to my mom and dad, and Sharon and Alisha
- I started Dee Henderson's latest book and went to the gym twice
- I fed the birds and squirrels
- I watched some good movies: "Crash" "Tsotsi" "The Bourne Supremacy" "Life or Something Like It"
- I enjoyed "Heroes" "Gilmore Girls" "Lost" "The Office" and discovered "House" - like I need another TV addiction
- I'm reading the book of Acts and started a Lenten devotional book
- I'm also reading "Drums of Autumn" in the Diana Gabaldon Highlander series
- I prayed for the people in my neighbourhood (in my neighbourhood, in my neighbourhood...)
- I started a new blog :)
- I gave myself a break tonight
Jesus, help me. One of my mantras - I am weak, but You are strong. Forgive me for the things I need to be forgiven for, and help me to forgive myself. Help me find my way through this. Please hang onto me, especially those times when I'm pushing You away. Help me to finish the race. Help me to live so that You're not ashamed of me. Thank You for Your grace which You pour out all over me so generously and lovingly. Help me to open my arms and take it all in. Help me to give it away freely too. Help me learn to love You as You deserve to be loved. Help me learn to love myself. Thank You Jesus for being You and for being in my life.