I've been crying a lot tonight - whenever I stop yelling at the kids long enough to think and feel. It's almost midnight and I've finally got everyone into bed. Life seems overwhelming sometimes... so much bad stuff in the lives of the people I love and nothing I can do to magically make it all better, as much as I'd like to sometimes.
It reminds me of part of a poem by missionary Amy Carmichael: "If I refuse to allow one who is dear to me to suffer for the sake of Christ, if I do not see such suffering as the greatest honor that can be offered to any follower of the Crucified, then I know nothing of Calvary love."
That's a hard thing to swallow, but it's true. It's not in the easy things, the comfortable things, the fun things, that God draws us closest to Him. It's in the hard, horrible things that we would never choose for ourselves or someone we love. I'm reminded once again that I would make a horrible God :)
Psalm 42:11 spoke to me loud and clear tonight: "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God."
Paul wrote that he was the worst of sinners... I am the worst of wimps. I don't deal well with pain and suffering... really, I'm just a total wimp! Life often overwhelms me with all the crap in the world. But I was reminded tonight of something I often forget, to "Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace." A wonderful hymn, one that reminds me, as I so often need reminding, to not look at all the horrible things in this world and grow overwhelmed and discouraged, but to look at my huge wonderful God, to know that He is bigger than it all, and in Him, we have not just hope, but an assurance that He is in control, He loves us more than we can fathom, and in Him, everything WILL be okay... not only okay, but wonderful, in the end. And so I pray once again, "Lord, I do believe; help my unbelief." And God, being far more faithful than me, answers my prayer.