Monday, October 29, 2007

Shut Up!

Okay, downstairs used to be my quiet domain. When Jolie's down here, creating her beautiful jewelery, it still is. When Marty and Jolie are "discussing" things, like right now, I'm about to go mad. Are all Polish people so loud? Is it possible for Marty to talk at a normal decibel level? Would he even be able to whisper if he tried? These are the questions that plague me at times like this. For God's sake, and my sake, SHUT UP!!!

I got an envelope in the mail today that says, "With 57 cents a day YOU can feed an elderly Jew." Is it just me or does this strike you as sort of a demeaning way of putting it? It's from the International Fellowship of Christians and Jews of Canada, asking for money to feed poor, elderly, Russian Jews. A worthy cause, I'm sure - just an odd way of putting it - to me, at least.

Layni's school had a fundraiser called "Horror on the Hill" - a haunted house set up in their multi-purpose room. Layni was quite taken with the whole thing... was it only last year that skeletons and creepy crawlies freaked her out? So I come home from church Sunday night, and she's set up a haunted house in her room, with dim lighting, spiders, and "Be sure to look in the closet, Janis!" - her dolls laid out like corpses. Not sure whether to be amused or disturbed...

Had coffee with a bunch of friends this morning. As I was walking over, God reminded me once again of how far He's brought me. I remember having panic attacks in public places like a coffee shop; I tended to avoid social interaction altogether. I used to think I was doomed to live the rest of my life in fear; I believed all things were possible for God, but I thought very few things were possible for me. My life is proof of miracles and the seemingly impossible becoming possible by the grace of God. Thank You, Jesus - keep working in and on and through me!

I've been going through stuff today... managed to get rid of a whole box of books! I have a lot of stuff... I'm so sentimental, especially when it comes to cards, letters, pictures kids have made me... baby steps, right?

Okay, Marty has lowered his voice, so I'll actually be able to get to sleep now, haha! Off to bed I go...

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Restful Sunday... despite the rain!

Mattias woke me up at 7:30 AM crying. Half-asleep, I asked him, "Did you have a bad dream? Did you hurt yourself?" "No, I'm not going to church," he cried. Last night, he told me he didn't want to go to church with me, and I had told him, Okay, that's your choice, I'm not going to make you go if you don't want to. I guess he thought I would hold him to it - silly boy! So we went to church and to McDonalds for lunch with friends from church, and when we got home, I read for a little bit and then had a lovely long nap... it's become my Sunday afternoon tradition. Well, it is the day of rest, right?! Tonight, I went to the "Young Adults" Bible study at church - I'm the oldest one by far, but they didn't kick me out so I guess it's okay :) We had a good discussion about a passage in the book of Mark... shows you how far I've come, that I'm throwing my viewpoints out there... I was probably the most talkative one there. I laughed when Melanie said I seemed so knowledgeable... I just have a good study Bible with lots of notes :) It was nice to get to know some different people in the church and share different perspectives... always interesting. Well, the girls are in bed and I think I'm heading there soon too... after a little reading, of course.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

I Thought It Would Be Easier... Silly Me!

I assumed since I had only one kid this weekend, it would be an easy, quiet weekend. Well, it was quieter, except for the constant, "Janis, Janis, do you want to play with me? Do you want to play a game? Do you want to colour? Do you want to watch a show together? Do you want to play in my room? Do you want to play with my toys?" I forgot that while Mattias wouldn't have anyone to fight with, he also wouldn't have anyone to play with... I guess Daddy and Jo just won't suffice... why do I have to be so awesome?! So we watched Larry-Boy and we played trains and cars and coloured and played Webkinz and Petz and Pixelchix and Chuzzles (I know - too many computer games... but I get addicted! Oh, and I do let him actually play... a little. Haha!) and read books and practiced the alphabet and played with our Sesame Street toys... I just wish I had his stamina. It's sad I can't keep up. I did manage to make a few Christmas cards for our church's fundraising and went to Chapters (and the library and Blessings... I am such a book addict!) while he went shopping with Daddy and Jo for Daddy's Halloween costume (for work at the bar tonight). I was so bad... I bought three books today. It's my greatest weakness. I can say no to a lot of things, but books and presents are my two downfalls. And Christmas is coming... uh-oh! Well, I've got to get a good night's sleep so I'll be awake for church and lunch at McDonalds tomorrow... but it WILL be easier with only one kid to get ready. That's the hardest part of Sunday mornings. Getting up and getting myself and the kids ready to go... and when we have to walk in the rain. Hopefully, it will not be raining tomorrow, as I don't have the stroller with the rain cover. Anyway, I'm really going now... and I will try to not stay up all night reading a book... have I mentioned how much I love books?!

Friday, October 26, 2007

So Tired!

Wow, I am tired tonight... it's 9:30 and I'm ready for bed (though I probably won't get there too soon... always the lure of a good book sidetracks me!) The house is so quiet - Marty and Jolie are at work, the girls went to their grandparents for a weekend visit and Mattias is asleep upstairs. Ah, blessed silence! Went to the gym today, played with Mattias, talked to my best friend in NB tonight... why am I so tired? And if only I could have the kids' energy... I think that almost everyday. It just doesn't seem fair. Anyway, not much to say... good night!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Good Day

Today was a good day. More sunshine - oh, I love it! I've been taking advantage of the opportunity to get out walking more. At Bible study this morning, we ended up going to Tim Horton's and chatting. And right after, I went out to lunch with another friend. I love being in the presence of these friends, with such different life experiences and outlooks, but we're one in the love of Christ, and each one blesses me in a different way. Had some very good conversation and yummy food. Went to Value Village to pick up some books to donate to Layni's home reading program at school, then hung out with Lysa while Jolie and Layni went through the "haunted house" at their school. Enjoyed my Thursday night TV (CSI, The Office and Scrubs... really the only shows I watch other than Dancing with the Stars... and Lost, once it returns!). The kids are in bed, Jolie and Marty went to a movie, and I'm ready to curl up in bed with a good book. Yeah, it's been a good day.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Testing the Limits of my Love

I swear, if I did not love our cat so much, I would kill Jake. After giving the kids baths, feeding them supper, doing homework with them, I came downstairs for a moment to get something from my room. And what did I find? Jake had puked not only all over my bed (penetrating not only the comforter, but both sheets... talk about a power puke!) but on my notebook filled with my Bible study notes, which I had been working on earlier in the afternoon. I had to rip out all the pages, wipe them off, and will have to recopy them, either on the computer or by hand (which I prefer), and had to throw the notebook into the recycling bin. I was not feeling very loving towards the kitty tonight. But THANK GOD, he didn't puke on my Bible, because God knows what I would have done then! Seriously, that cat tests the limits of my love... why always me? This never happens to Jolie or Marty or the girls... Marty thinks maybe he was possessed by Satan to put a damper on my Jesus study... Jolie thinks it's just because he feels so comfortable and at home in my room... neither are comforting theories. Anyway, I'm sure I will forgive and mostly forget... in a few days...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Seriously!

Layni brought home some math quizzes today and as I looked at them, all the questions either had a check mark or a happy face beside them. Now, if I was a kid, or heck, even as an adult, I would look at a happy face and think, Wow! I must have done really well! But no, the happy faces were beside all the answers she got WRONG! Are we so desperate to protect our kids' self-esteem that we can't even put an X beside a wrong answer anymore? SERIOUSLY!!!

On the bright side of life, IT WAS SUNNY TODAY!!! HALLELUJAH!!! It was so good to see LIGHT again. Jolie and I went to Fort Langley and went treasure-hunting at our two favourite antique shops. Those places make me so lustful... I love all that old-fashioned furniture and knick-knacks... LOVE IT! We found some great pieces for her to use to display her jewelery, which will, Godwilling, be showing at a market in Yaletown the 1st and 2nd of December. She is an amazing artist and I so want her to be able to make a living with her jewelery so she doesn't have to work in a stinky, stressful bar anymore, and can be at home with the kids. Don't worry, I won't be out of a job though... there's always more than enough work to go around here!

After school, Layni got on her bike and we went to the park. She is a total monkey on those monkey bars - I certainly am not strong enough to do that! I enjoy the swings... a perpetual favourite since childhood.

And finally, THANK GOD!, Mark Cuban got kicked off Dancing With the Stars... I don't know who should be next to go... I'm kind of attached to them all now. Layni has switched her allegiance from Jennie Garth to Sabrina Bryan. I like Jane Seymour... she's so lovely and elegant and shows that even at 56, you can still bust a move!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Never Too Early For Christmas...

Today was pretty much me preparing for our church's second annual Christmas card night, which was lots of fun. I am always amazed at the variety of creativity... it's fantastic. I led a table; my card looked like a wrapped-up present, and had a Bible verse inside. I got to do the thank you cards for the ladies leading the tables and the door prizes, which was so much fun. I love dollar store shopping and gift-giving! It was a great night, but now I have to clean up my room and card-making area, which look like a tornado whirled through. But I'll leave that for tomorrow; I'm going to sleep well tonight!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Whining Helps...

You know, I think just expressing how you're feeling helps, get it out there, good or bad, and then you can let it go. I need to do that, instead of just letting stuff simmer inside me. So I'm going to try to do that on a regular basis now, even if it's just writing a few sentences about my day before bed.

Why am I up at 12:00 AM? Enjoying the peace and quiet... Marty's at work, the kids are in bed, Jolie and I are hanging out in the basement, which is our cozy little retreat now. She's set up her jewelery-making space, I have a card-making space, and our computers. The squeak of the furnace, which hasn't given out yet; otherwise, silence. Blissful! I need quiet time. After I take the kids to church and lunch, I come home and have a nap. In some ways, it feels like a waste of time, but on the other hand, I obviously need it... I guess it's my time to catch up on sleep that I've missed during the crazy week.

I'm reading "The Fiery Cross", book five in Diana Gabaldon's AWESOME Outlander series. If you love historical fiction/romance, you will love these books. But they're LONG... I've been reading this one for months now and am only 2/3 of the way through! They take place primarily in Scotland, then the American colonies, in the second part of the 18th century. It makes me think a lot about what it would be like to live back then, and how much our world has changed... but I'll have to save those musings for another post.

Went to the second night of Faith Legacy Scrapbooking tonight... I love our instructor, Mona, who goes to my church. She is such a patient teacher and gentle, kind spirit... a blessing to everyone around her. The course is one night a month for ten months and chronicles our faith journey. I was looking for pictures of my baptism for tonight's page, and finally found them mixed in with my college graduation pictures... not really sure why... but looking through all those old pictures on my search - of high school, college, working at Circle Square Ranch, my early years when I first moved to Vancouver... made me miss those places and people and times in my life, but so grateful for all those experiences and loved ones.

Well, I should get to bed... morning always comes early, and I have some preparing to do for our card-making night at church tomorrow. Can't believe it's here already!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

God is Bigger than the Bogeyman...and my Crazy Mind

It's 10:43 PM and I'm crying. Why? I don't know. I have to get to bed, so I can get myself and the kids up in the morning, ready, and walk to church in the rain... yay. As Layni would say, you're being sarcastic, Janis! I worked on preparing for the card night Monday; need to buy some more ribbon. I can't find my baptism pictures for the scrapbooking class tomorrow night... I've been through boxes of pictures today, but can't find them. Serves me right for being so organized. It's a lonely night where everyone seems to have a life and a purpose but me. I hate having this crazy, discouraging mind... forgive me, Jesus, and help me to have Your mind inside controlling my thoughts and guiding my outlook on life. I am weak, but You are strong - stronger than my weakness. Oh Lord, don't let me drown in my imperfections, but let me rejoice in Your perfectness.

Blah

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. It's that joyous time of year... the rains and darkness and dreariness have come. I've just felt BLAH for the past month or so. Unmotivated, tired, weepy... not the blackness of deep depression, just the eternal grey of the blahs. It's hard some days to get out of bed or take a shower or do the things I have to do. It's hard sometimes to want to eat or do anything, let alone anything fun or constructive. It's hard to care about life. And I feel so guilty, because it isn't a horrible suicidal depression, just that every day melancholy dysthymia. If I just focused on God, prayed more, had a better attitude, sucked it up, etc. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I'm plugging along. My Thursday morning Bible study is a highlight of the week, and I'm taking a scrapbooking class once a month, and we're doing a Christmas-card-making night at my church on Monday. So it's not like I'm completely isolated or not doing anything good. I'm just mostly blah. Well, I will try to be more faithful in posting, and keeping myself accountable for how I'm feeling. I'm glad I have good friends and a good God... I know I am so blessed.