I was introduced to blogging about two years ago by my friend Krista. You have to know I am the MOST computer illiterate person on the planet... I'm able to check my email and google things and that's about it! The first year or so, I ended up posting about once a month, an update on the month's activities. Then about a year ago, I started a new blog in a fit of desperation and depression late one night and titled it "What's Wrong With Me?"
Why do I blog? For one thing, it's a practical way to keep in touch with long-distance friends and family who want to know what I'm up to... they can click onto my blog and get an idea of what's happening in my life.
But I think, for me, the most important thing it does, ironically - because I know this is not true of all blogs - is keep me accountable. I'm the kind of person who it's not easy for me to say things out loud, especially if it's anything personal or painful. Writing has always been my strongest form of communication. When I'm not doing well with my depression, that's when I'm most unable to reach out to other people and yet, when I most need it.
The past couple weeks have been hard... a dear friend died, which just gets your mind going in all sorts of directions, good and bad, aside from the grief and loss; and something else happened that broke my heart. It's been hard to get out of bed in the morning, to summon the willpower to do the things that need doing, to reach out and say hey, I just need someone to hang out with. Because when you're depressed, the self-destructive behavioural defenses kick in... I'm not going to let anyone see me weak, I'm not going to ask for help, I deserve all the pain I feel, etc. I tend to take anything negative in my life - circumstances, feelings, conflicts - and turn it inward against myself as a weapon.
Thankfully, I have a solid foundation of hope and faith in Jesus. I have resources in Him. Granted, I don't always use them, but I am getting better. I don't wallow in the pit of self-hatred and self-destruction that I used to... now I only stick my toe in sometimes ;)
So, I want to get back to using this blog to keep myself accountable in my struggles... to say when I'm having a hard time... because when you bring things out of the darkness and into the light, they're never as bad as you think they are, and only then can you work on healing. So, I want to take even five minutes at the end of each day, maybe just to say, today was hard, or today was good, or this is what I want to work on, or this is what I hope is better tomorrow.